Life can get so "serious" sometimes and I find myself chomping at the bit to ease the anxiety, figure out my path, and have purpose when the future gets hazy. When the illusion of control and certainty are no where in sight, I start to scramble a little. Hence, my last post.
And then, a mini bike crash (I'm fine), followed by a rainy early morning 10K full of people in Santa suits with jingle bells on their shoes can snap some wonderful fun and sense back into me (or you). Chilly, damp smiles as you eat post-race bananas with friends, and a hot shower are a great reminder of how lucky I am to have my health, crazy/awesome running community, and competitive drive - all of which make my life fuller and richer.
Of course there are other ways to dissipate the feisty angst when you can't find people with antlers on to run in the streets with - i.e. some beers with other equally floundering and uncertain friends who are smart, motivated, and remind you that it's okay to feel insane sometimes - because we all do.
When you itch to motivate change, to make your mark, and to feel inspired about your day-to-day, anything mundane (or what you perceive to be) overly predictable, or just dull can drive you mad. However, I'd rather hang out with the other crazy, hyper kids than be surrounded by complacency and people with blinders on.
So, that said, let's add more spice and fun to our lives as well as appreciation for all the mini blessings and random highlights that are so easy to take for granted when routines and autopilot suck up your mojo.
And patience with ourselves in all our pursuits...
Right.
That too : )
Happy Sunday,
Chloe
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Dreaming Big, and then waiting patiently?
Dream Big - that is the goal and has been my mantra of sorts for a long time. So of course after having the dream, it follows that I (or you if you're on board) must then pursue these dreams with all your heart and soul in order to live life fully and with intention.
Plan of action, ready, set, go! I'm on it.
Once I establish that I am passionate about something, I haven't had a problem with the follow-through, the self-motivation, etc. part. As long as I can DO something, I'm golden and perceived obstacles don't often deter me.
However, the tricky part (at least for me) comes when you must rely on others' actions and/or having access to something in order to pursue that dream. Passivity is not in my blood, and feeling like my hands are completely tied leads to a sense of despair that I haven't yet figured out how to navigate. Ideally, I will harness this feeling and frustration and learn from it - but I think I need help with figuring out how!
Certainly, this is the predicament for many - and surfaces in the education system and the pervasive educational inequities in our nation, with issues of racial, gender, and religious discrimination and inequalities, poverty issues,...etc. Here though, I'm talking on a smaller scale with no real ethical dilemma or inequality involved. Certainly, I don't want to overstate my current "struggle" but, it's affecting my spirit, and this is a blog after all - I'm not questioning the fact that I'm truly and deeply fortunate and have been granted many "free passes" in this life due to factors out of my control.
So I'm referring to feeling like one's hands are tied while playing the waiting game. A necessary evil that necessarily accompanies many pursuits after the fishing lines of desire have been cast. Send out a resume and cover letter? Check! Wait for response? Mini torture session...Now amplify this situation times five million!
Does that make any sense?!
Let me try to bring it back down to the concrete and tell you what's on my mind.
So, as many of you know, I have decided wholeheartedly that I want to pursue medicine. I took a long time to come to that conclusion (had to realize that the drive was NOT familiarity gleaned from my parents' lives, NOT simply inertia from checking off "pre-med" on my college application, etc...). My summer was spent researching schools, studying incessantly and retaking the MCATs alongside 3 jobs, applying to a LOT of schools, and immersing myself in the health care environment as much as possible. I am still completely certain and very excited to get started. But now I must wait.
It turns out, that in order to be a doctor, someone has to let you into medical school.
So I wait...
patiently?
Have you met me?!
And, while I am trying to stay motivated and inspired in other areas, look for new hobbies, enjoy the respite before the storm of studying/debt/challenges of actually being a medical student hits, do things for others to stay outside myself, ask God for help and patience, I am struggling. My spirit has shrunk a little (hopefully not too much!) as I seem to incessantly try to distract myself from checking to see if I got an email inviting me for an interview or just rejecting me.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW!! And I fear that lack of feedback implies that, alas, I will not be accepted anywhere.
BUT I CAN DO IT! I WILL BE A GOOD DOCTOR! I PROMISE! JUST LET ME IN!
The worst part? This nebulous cloud of uncertainty could last until April...
I'm not sure how I'm going to hang on until then - something must change.
The angry part of me can get riled up because I truly believe that the med school admissions system is flawed. Yes, I understand that there are not enough spots in US medical schools to let every qualified, "good" candidate enter - I can appreciate that. I appreciate that record numbers of people are applying because of the state of the economy and the certainty that society "will always need doctors". However, if the most desirable and evaluated candidates are always the ones with the MCATS and GPAs shining and life/health care experience/maturity don't enter the equation until the very end...there are a lot of people who should not be med students that will be...in my obviously unbiased :) opinion.
I know others applying now who would make excellent physicians, who I view as rational and intelligent, and who are in my boat of uncertainty as well, and our frustrations and vulnerability are shared - and this helps - some. However, there is nothing that we can DO, and that is not a fun (and on the brink of maddening) place to be in. Yes, you can find purpose and meaning in other areas of your life, but it's truly bizarre to embrace the uncertainty and to make peace with it.
Add to the equation the fact that, for the type A, control-lover, (pre-med kids much?!), sanity, patience, and peace amidst vulnerability are particularly challenging. Great.
So yes, I am finding myself in need of extra support, encouragement, and motivation these days - being around and connecting with those around me, volunteering more for causes I care about, and looking at the big picture all help...but I do find myself slipping into the antsy angst more often than I'd like to admit.
Perhaps writing more will be a good outlet- brace yourselves for more blogging! :)
And, please, if you have any advice - I'm all ears (or eyes!)!
- Chloe
Plan of action, ready, set, go! I'm on it.
Once I establish that I am passionate about something, I haven't had a problem with the follow-through, the self-motivation, etc. part. As long as I can DO something, I'm golden and perceived obstacles don't often deter me.
However, the tricky part (at least for me) comes when you must rely on others' actions and/or having access to something in order to pursue that dream. Passivity is not in my blood, and feeling like my hands are completely tied leads to a sense of despair that I haven't yet figured out how to navigate. Ideally, I will harness this feeling and frustration and learn from it - but I think I need help with figuring out how!
Certainly, this is the predicament for many - and surfaces in the education system and the pervasive educational inequities in our nation, with issues of racial, gender, and religious discrimination and inequalities, poverty issues,...etc. Here though, I'm talking on a smaller scale with no real ethical dilemma or inequality involved. Certainly, I don't want to overstate my current "struggle" but, it's affecting my spirit, and this is a blog after all - I'm not questioning the fact that I'm truly and deeply fortunate and have been granted many "free passes" in this life due to factors out of my control.
So I'm referring to feeling like one's hands are tied while playing the waiting game. A necessary evil that necessarily accompanies many pursuits after the fishing lines of desire have been cast. Send out a resume and cover letter? Check! Wait for response? Mini torture session...Now amplify this situation times five million!
Does that make any sense?!
Let me try to bring it back down to the concrete and tell you what's on my mind.
So, as many of you know, I have decided wholeheartedly that I want to pursue medicine. I took a long time to come to that conclusion (had to realize that the drive was NOT familiarity gleaned from my parents' lives, NOT simply inertia from checking off "pre-med" on my college application, etc...). My summer was spent researching schools, studying incessantly and retaking the MCATs alongside 3 jobs, applying to a LOT of schools, and immersing myself in the health care environment as much as possible. I am still completely certain and very excited to get started. But now I must wait.
It turns out, that in order to be a doctor, someone has to let you into medical school.
So I wait...
patiently?
Have you met me?!
And, while I am trying to stay motivated and inspired in other areas, look for new hobbies, enjoy the respite before the storm of studying/debt/challenges of actually being a medical student hits, do things for others to stay outside myself, ask God for help and patience, I am struggling. My spirit has shrunk a little (hopefully not too much!) as I seem to incessantly try to distract myself from checking to see if I got an email inviting me for an interview or just rejecting me.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW!! And I fear that lack of feedback implies that, alas, I will not be accepted anywhere.
BUT I CAN DO IT! I WILL BE A GOOD DOCTOR! I PROMISE! JUST LET ME IN!
The worst part? This nebulous cloud of uncertainty could last until April...
I'm not sure how I'm going to hang on until then - something must change.
The angry part of me can get riled up because I truly believe that the med school admissions system is flawed. Yes, I understand that there are not enough spots in US medical schools to let every qualified, "good" candidate enter - I can appreciate that. I appreciate that record numbers of people are applying because of the state of the economy and the certainty that society "will always need doctors". However, if the most desirable and evaluated candidates are always the ones with the MCATS and GPAs shining and life/health care experience/maturity don't enter the equation until the very end...there are a lot of people who should not be med students that will be...in my obviously unbiased :) opinion.
I know others applying now who would make excellent physicians, who I view as rational and intelligent, and who are in my boat of uncertainty as well, and our frustrations and vulnerability are shared - and this helps - some. However, there is nothing that we can DO, and that is not a fun (and on the brink of maddening) place to be in. Yes, you can find purpose and meaning in other areas of your life, but it's truly bizarre to embrace the uncertainty and to make peace with it.
Add to the equation the fact that, for the type A, control-lover, (pre-med kids much?!), sanity, patience, and peace amidst vulnerability are particularly challenging. Great.
So yes, I am finding myself in need of extra support, encouragement, and motivation these days - being around and connecting with those around me, volunteering more for causes I care about, and looking at the big picture all help...but I do find myself slipping into the antsy angst more often than I'd like to admit.
Perhaps writing more will be a good outlet- brace yourselves for more blogging! :)
And, please, if you have any advice - I'm all ears (or eyes!)!
- Chloe
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My brain re: Tuesday morning track workout
No...it's warm in my bed...and it's so dark out...and, WHY exactly do I want to run around in circles like a hamster?
Don't make me get up! [Roll, scrunch up, pillow over head].
UGH, FINE. I know, I know, I'll be SO happy later...and I complain about not getting faster, come on, it's all mental. Let's go!
[Gets up, stumbles to put on shorts, and T-shirt. New arm warmers and Nike Frees make the morning struggle a little more bearable and spiced-up].
I love you coffee pot.
[Fills mug, grabs half granola bar and stumbles back up to room for morning pre-run, wake-up "process"/routine]
[Plops down at desk, puts light on for first time and reads NYtimes headlines/searches for inspirational youtube running clips/reads Runnersworld quote of the Day/or simply email and/or Facebook purusing while sipping coffee and getting some sugar in the blood]
Stupid door, why don't you lock right?! Brr, it's chilly and dark, nooo, summer is leaving me!
Shut up, just DO THIS, Chloe, stop being such a wuss.
[Slowly jogs to Howard track for about 10 minutes].
Hey, that's weird. Where are all the usual morning shufflers? No one is out today? Hmmm...I COULD still go back to bed...
[Slowly gains momentum on a warm-up lap around the track. Finds one usual morning shuffler. Gets excited again about new Asics arm warmers and awesome shoes. Notices pretty morning sky with hints of pink and orange emerging. A little less grumpy and content that she actually made it.]
Okay, okay, let's do the fast lap, come on legs, come on eyes.
Hey you can jog around a track with your eyes closed. I could cat nap WHILE I run?
Okay, maybe not the best idea.
UGH, FAST LAP YOU SUCK. Why are you DOING this??
Slow lap, okay, alright, okay.
[Repeats five times. Same dialogue each time.]
Okay, time for the short sprints. Let's do this, already half way done. Morning is not so bad after all. I am remembering why I do this. But I still sorta want to stop...
Hey, where is cute Tuesday-morning-track guy? Where are the other fake competitors this morning? Alright, not here? Guess I'm just gonna have to imagine my opponents.. Usain, ready? Jesus? You're pretty fast, let's DO THIS.
Eyes forward on the fast part. Third floor window to focus on. Slurpee cup in the tree branches. Arms relaxed, hands open. Balls of feet. Fast, just do it.
[Repeats 5 times...no 6...no 7...]
Why are the church bells dinging? Uh oh, I'm gonna be running late...eh, whatever.
One more. just one more.
Okay, body = DONEzo.
Water, I want water...stretching time, YESS, love this part...walks to grassy patch and endorphins + sun rising + done with track workout = bliss.
Abs and push-ups, grrr. nooo...YES, DO IT.
HEY there is cute Tuesday-morning-track guy, SCORE! More push-ups!
[More church bells].
Ah! Now I'm REALLY gonna be late. Okay, bye cute boy, bye track, bye shufflers, bye Usain and Jesus - see ya next week.
Don't make me get up! [Roll, scrunch up, pillow over head].
UGH, FINE. I know, I know, I'll be SO happy later...and I complain about not getting faster, come on, it's all mental. Let's go!
[Gets up, stumbles to put on shorts, and T-shirt. New arm warmers and Nike Frees make the morning struggle a little more bearable and spiced-up].
I love you coffee pot.
[Fills mug, grabs half granola bar and stumbles back up to room for morning pre-run, wake-up "process"/routine]
[Plops down at desk, puts light on for first time and reads NYtimes headlines/searches for inspirational youtube running clips/reads Runnersworld quote of the Day/or simply email and/or Facebook purusing while sipping coffee and getting some sugar in the blood]
Stupid door, why don't you lock right?! Brr, it's chilly and dark, nooo, summer is leaving me!
Shut up, just DO THIS, Chloe, stop being such a wuss.
[Slowly jogs to Howard track for about 10 minutes].
Hey, that's weird. Where are all the usual morning shufflers? No one is out today? Hmmm...I COULD still go back to bed...
[Slowly gains momentum on a warm-up lap around the track. Finds one usual morning shuffler. Gets excited again about new Asics arm warmers and awesome shoes. Notices pretty morning sky with hints of pink and orange emerging. A little less grumpy and content that she actually made it.]
Okay, okay, let's do the fast lap, come on legs, come on eyes.
Hey you can jog around a track with your eyes closed. I could cat nap WHILE I run?
Okay, maybe not the best idea.
UGH, FAST LAP YOU SUCK. Why are you DOING this??
Slow lap, okay, alright, okay.
[Repeats five times. Same dialogue each time.]
Okay, time for the short sprints. Let's do this, already half way done. Morning is not so bad after all. I am remembering why I do this. But I still sorta want to stop...
Hey, where is cute Tuesday-morning-track guy? Where are the other fake competitors this morning? Alright, not here? Guess I'm just gonna have to imagine my opponents.. Usain, ready? Jesus? You're pretty fast, let's DO THIS.
Eyes forward on the fast part. Third floor window to focus on. Slurpee cup in the tree branches. Arms relaxed, hands open. Balls of feet. Fast, just do it.
[Repeats 5 times...no 6...no 7...]
Why are the church bells dinging? Uh oh, I'm gonna be running late...eh, whatever.
One more. just one more.
Okay, body = DONEzo.
Water, I want water...stretching time, YESS, love this part...walks to grassy patch and endorphins + sun rising + done with track workout = bliss.
Abs and push-ups, grrr. nooo...YES, DO IT.
HEY there is cute Tuesday-morning-track guy, SCORE! More push-ups!
[More church bells].
Ah! Now I'm REALLY gonna be late. Okay, bye cute boy, bye track, bye shufflers, bye Usain and Jesus - see ya next week.
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