Dreaming Big, and then waiting patiently?

Dream Big - that is the goal and has been my mantra of sorts for a long time. So of course after having the dream, it follows that I (or you if you're on board) must then pursue these dreams with all your heart and soul in order to live life fully and with intention.

Plan of action, ready, set, go! I'm on it.

Once I establish that I am passionate about something, I haven't had a problem with the follow-through, the self-motivation, etc. part. As long as I can DO something, I'm golden and perceived obstacles don't often deter me.

However, the tricky part (at least for me) comes when you must rely on others' actions and/or having access to something in order to pursue that dream. Passivity is not in my blood, and feeling like my hands are completely tied leads to a sense of despair that I haven't yet figured out how to navigate. Ideally, I will harness this feeling and frustration and learn from it - but I think I need help with figuring out how!

Certainly, this is the predicament for many - and surfaces in the education system and the pervasive educational inequities in our nation, with issues of racial, gender, and religious discrimination and inequalities, poverty issues,...etc. Here though, I'm talking on a smaller scale with no real ethical dilemma or inequality involved. Certainly, I don't want to overstate my current "struggle" but, it's affecting my spirit, and this is a blog after all - I'm not questioning the fact that I'm truly and deeply fortunate and have been granted many "free passes" in this life due to factors out of my control.

So I'm referring to feeling like one's hands are tied while playing the waiting game. A necessary evil that necessarily accompanies many pursuits after the fishing lines of desire have been cast. Send out a resume and cover letter? Check! Wait for response? Mini torture session...Now amplify this situation times five million!

Does that make any sense?!

Let me try to bring it back down to the concrete and tell you what's on my mind.

So, as many of you know, I have decided wholeheartedly that I want to pursue medicine. I took a long time to come to that conclusion (had to realize that the drive was NOT familiarity gleaned from my parents' lives, NOT simply inertia from checking off "pre-med" on my college application, etc...). My summer was spent researching schools, studying incessantly and retaking the MCATs alongside 3 jobs, applying to a LOT of schools, and immersing myself in the health care environment as much as possible. I am still completely certain and very excited to get started. But now I must wait.

It turns out, that in order to be a doctor, someone has to let you into medical school.

So I wait...
patiently?
Have you met me?!

And, while I am trying to stay motivated and inspired in other areas, look for new hobbies, enjoy the respite before the storm of studying/debt/challenges of actually being a medical student hits, do things for others to stay outside myself, ask God for help and patience, I am struggling. My spirit has shrunk a little (hopefully not too much!) as I seem to incessantly try to distract myself from checking to see if I got an email inviting me for an interview or just rejecting me.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW!! And I fear that lack of feedback implies that, alas, I will not be accepted anywhere.

BUT I CAN DO IT! I WILL BE A GOOD DOCTOR! I PROMISE! JUST LET ME IN!

The worst part? This nebulous cloud of uncertainty could last until April...
I'm not sure how I'm going to hang on until then - something must change.

The angry part of me can get riled up because I truly believe that the med school admissions system is flawed. Yes, I understand that there are not enough spots in US medical schools to let every qualified, "good" candidate enter - I can appreciate that. I appreciate that record numbers of people are applying because of the state of the economy and the certainty that society "will always need doctors". However, if the most desirable and evaluated candidates are always the ones with the MCATS and GPAs shining and life/health care experience/maturity don't enter the equation until the very end...there are a lot of people who should not be med students that will be...in my obviously unbiased :) opinion.

I know others applying now who would make excellent physicians, who I view as rational and intelligent, and who are in my boat of uncertainty as well, and our frustrations and vulnerability are shared - and this helps - some. However, there is nothing that we can DO, and that is not a fun (and on the brink of maddening) place to be in. Yes, you can find purpose and meaning in other areas of your life, but it's truly bizarre to embrace the uncertainty and to make peace with it.

Add to the equation the fact that, for the type A, control-lover, (pre-med kids much?!), sanity, patience, and peace amidst vulnerability are particularly challenging. Great.


So yes, I am finding myself in need of extra support, encouragement, and motivation these days - being around and connecting with those around me, volunteering more for causes I care about, and looking at the big picture all help...but I do find myself slipping into the antsy angst more often than I'd like to admit.

Perhaps writing more will be a good outlet- brace yourselves for more blogging! :)

And, please, if you have any advice - I'm all ears (or eyes!)!

- Chloe